By August Elokuu | 24 November 2009

(TOPPLED ANGLIA) Climate change has been revealed to be a complete fabrication with no basis in reality. This major scandal, unveiled Tuesday, is already shaking the foundations of the global scientific community and political leadership.

The whole mess saw the light of day Tuesday afternoon as thousands of climate scientists, geophysics experts, geologists, atmospheric scientists and biologists confessed to having been part of a massive decades-long conspiracy. Its sole purpose was to lead people into believing that the Earth was warming.

“It is true, unfortunately. There is no such thing as climate change. All of us, some 12,400 researchers, were in on this hoax for around 30 years, each time just to secure funding for one more year. Every fall we would tell ourselves, ‘this is the last time, next year we quit.’ But once you’d started, it would get more and more difficult,” explained conspiracy dragon lord Luther Blissett.

Huge paydays

This criminal activity brought the scheming scientists several thousands of dollars in monetary benefits. Luther Blissett points out that it would have been utterly impossible for the scientists to attain a similar level of earnings had they been working for the tobacco industry or transnational oil companies, for example.

“What they can offer is mere pocket change compared to the bottomless coffers of environmental organizations and social movements,” he remarked.

The scientists’ confession has raised questions around the world as to how a conspiracy of such magnitude could possibly have been kept completely secret for so long, but according to Blissett the answer is simple.

“That was made possible by the ever-reaching invisible hand and infinite resources of green leftist groups and hippies, and of course the liberal media.”

Weigh in!

Some of the more out-there theories state that scientists who had been deemed traitors were murdered by a secret Greenpeace commando team. The web of deceit finally started to unravel as observant discussion forum users discovered confusing flaws and even methodological errors in the scientists’ reports.

“and what’s the deal with this hockey stick theory, when i was a kid i had a red titan hockey stick that had mike bossy written on it, it was a righty and it reached up to my shoulders if i was wearing skates so how can this global warming stick reach hundreds of years away. and then there’s the whole immigrant business,” noted Hicker E. Tard, an active citizen and critic of anthropogenic climate change.

The astute statements of Tard and similarly-abled contributors inspired the involvement of certain brave politicians such as Rush Limbaugh of the Neoconman Party. Due to the increasing popularity of the notion that reducing atmospheric pollution is a terrible fucking idea, the pressure mounted against the conspiracy became unbearable.

According to Lehti’s sources, incandescent lightbulbs and white childhood christmases will return to stores starting next week.

(Printed with permission from the Finnish magazine Lehti,
translation Jussi Saurio)